


colors I would've never have seen

by aqua_marine



Series: No Choir [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Fluff, Introspection, Light Angst, Multi, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2018-11-07
Packaged: 2019-08-20 03:10:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16547717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aqua_marine/pseuds/aqua_marine
Summary: When he is with the Mighty Nein he feels lighter even when everything else is more heavy than he ever imagined it could be. Of course, he never imagined people like them existed either. And he never imagined the ocean, wide and forever maybe a mere five hundred paces from where they are in the depths of the jungle.-Caduceus Clay had once thought he had everything in his life together - and that might have been the case at one point, but it is definitely not now.





	colors I would've never have seen

**Author's Note:**

> this one... is really stretching canon. warnings for dead animals and body horror i guess? also probably makes more sense if you read the previous story. regardless, thanks for looking! and especially thanks to the people who commented before. you all are too kind.

Caduceus is not such a collected man as he likes to think he is. He was when he had a plan. He tries to cling to that plan with the best of his ability, but all of these people keep taking his hands instead and he is torn as to whether he should resist. Surely his god would not approve if he just up and left, but he doesn't really understand how he could walk away from his current company.

He has thought about it since he almost got left behind on the docks. He has thought about it and he has said it a few times, but other than that he's not done a single thing. They're... intoxicating, somewhat. When he sits with them he feels lighter even when everything else is more heavy than he ever imagined it could be. Of course, he never imagined people like them existed either. And he never even imagined the ocean, wide and forever maybe five hundred paces from where they are in the depths of the jungle. That is another thing unexpected. 

They are piled into Caleb's little bubble. Every time Caduceus sees the bubble he remembers the first night his world changed, when they killed a whole nest of people and drowned in their own sorrow and triumph and it could only have been described as a mess. He doesn't know whether it's a bad thing or a good thing that he could not share their feelings. At that time he was still hiding behind the mask that he had everything together, that he knew what he was doing - that the Mighty Nein hadn't upended his life right then and there. 

He might have actually believed it. But oh, he was wrong. 

He goes to sleep last, and only for a short while, soon enough waking with the memory of claws digging into his skin. He keeps his fluttering gaze on all of his companions in the gloom. Caleb and Jamedi are awake, the whites of their eyes shining. Caleb keeps sending glances in his direction, so he assumes the wizard knows he is awake. What else could it be? 

At some point, in the hours of the early morning when a dim soft light falls across their slumbering bodies, Caduceus is still dreadfully awake although he doesn't know why. He feels like he could fall asleep any minute but the light bouncing off one side of Caleb's face and hitting his hair just so to make it tinged with phantom gold keeps him alive and enraptured. 

Before too long, however, two curious lizard people come by and begin to poke at the bubble- Caleb and Jamedi rouse some of the others for backup- and circle around. Caduceus watches with wide and curious eyes. He isn't nervous, not this time. They have already clearly seen that these lizard people are at the bottom of the food chain, and at least Caduceus is just above them. They're not snakes. Good. He doesn't like snakes.

The party leaves in a hurry. Caleb wakes up everyone, except for Avantika whom he eyes warily and then decides to let Jamedi handle. He comes over to shake Caduceus awake, who has let his eyes slip closed as exhaustion finally- albeit too late- catches up to him. He stares back at Caleb as soon as he feels the touch on his shoulder - Caleb's hand is warm. His skin is warm. Caduceus noted that the last time Caleb held him - he isn't sure if it's a product of the man's infatuation with fire or if he is just constantly running a slight fever. Caduceus is tempted to cast a healing spell and see what happens, but he needs to save his magic. If what Jamedi said is correct (which is quite debatable, considering he is undead, something unnatural and frankly quite distasteful and really he thinks they should've done something about it by now instead of following him blindly into a snake-infested city) they should reach the temple today and no later. There is no time to be wasting spells.

Caleb does not move his hand for a few moments and Caduceus savors the warmth. The jungle is not exactly cold, but in the barely lit dawn it's still chillier than the usual temperature in the graveyard and Caduceus's ability to retain heat is quite poor. The trip from Shady Creek Run to Zadash would have been unbearable had his companions- maybe friends maybe coworkers- not been there to all collapse into a pile and huddle together as they do now.

Nott comes up and taps Caleb's elbow as she runs a hand through her green greasy hair and then rubs at the corners of her eyes. Something looks off and it takes Caduceus a minute to realize what it is exactly, but then he spots the absence of both the usual haphazard bandages across her face and the porcelain mask most often found hanging around her neck. It seems she's forgone them both in favor of being as cold as possible. Caduceus understands. He can crave the heat now, and he does, but in a few short hours he'll be sweating awfully and so will the rest of them and he will wish he never came (but it will be somewhat of a hollow thought).

Although it is still mild out, as everyone gathers their things and makes haste so they are not found by any of the vicious predators waiting eagerly to snap them up, he notices that Beau seems to be looking worse for the wear. Her skin is already stained with sweat and her eyes are barely keeping open - Caduceus can say the same about himself, but he thinks he would've noticed if she was awake during the night. She looks paler, too, and is moving sluggishly.

Jester, only a few feet away, turns towards Caduceus with a frown. "Is it just me, or is something wrong with Beau?" she asks. Her face is the picture of concern, eye brows scrunched together, lips tugging down. This is what Caduceus likes about her - she is easy to read. Yes, there have been times where she has said she's fine, but he can easily pick up whether that's a lie or not. The next time it happens he will try to talk about it with her to repay her kindness on the Mistake, which is a very appropriate name.

In the Mighty Nein, he would say that she is probably the closest to his friend there. Everything about her invites a smile and though she can be ignorant sometimes, so can Caduceus. They're both healers, too. It's just nice to have a kindred spirit when you're thousands of miles away from where you've spent the whole rest of your life.

"No, I saw it too," he says. "Next time we have a break we should do something about it."

Jester nods in agreement. Her hair falls in front of her eyes and she brushes it back. It's much more curly than usual, a product of the humidity - Caduceus's hair is doing the same thing. So is Caleb's. "Hey, Caduceus?" says Jester. Her voice has lowered enough that he has to step forward to catch her words. "I know you don't really know about this kind of stuff..."

She trails off at the end of the sentence and Caduceus tilts his head in encouragement. She contemplates her words for a moment longer, looking much more despondent. Caduceus rests a hand on her shoulder, which brings her back. "Do you know anything about love, Caduceus?" she says, gaze still far away.

"Mm," replies Caduceus, a rumble in his chest. His eyes flit around to the rest of the Mighty Nein. Beau is ribbing Caleb good-naturedly even through her sick haze. Fjord seems to be lost in thought, one hand resting on his stomach. Yasha is hovering near Beau and Caleb, but not close enough to really be considered part of the conversation. Her expression is one of anxiousness as she glances at the jungle around her. 

Is this what love is, not being able to walk away? Or is it what he had with his parents and his siblings in their own private paradise, how they all depended on each other like a machine that slowly broke down until Caduceus was left all by himself? Is love what Caleb intended when he kissed him? Probably not.

"I might have some experience with it," he says, still undecided. He doesn't think he knows what the kind of love shared by two (or more) people in a relationship is, but he is well-acquainted with the kind of love you have for a friend or a relative. He might not know these people very well, but it doesn't stop him from clinging to them, even if sometimes it was probably the worst choice he could have made. If that isn't love, he can't say what is.

Jester shoots him one curious glance before she goes on. Caduceus shrugs. "I thought I knew what love was," she says. "I grew up in a brothel. Who would know what love is better than me? Well, other than my mom, of course. But I always thought you kissed someone and you loved them and you stayed with them forever and that was it! Love is supposed to be some big story like in Tusk Love or like my mom with my dad! But then he left her. I always thought it was some kind of mistake, you know. I thought there was no way somebody would ever want to leave the Ruby of the Sea, because why would you?

"And I thought that when _I_ fell in love.... for some reason, I thought that I would know when it would happen and then we would be together and happy as soon as it was all figured out. But if my mom can't even have a happy life, what hope do I have? Oh... I don't know." Jester sighs heavily.

"You're right, Jester, I don't know much about that kind of thing," says Caduceus, contemplating the words as he speaks them. "But your mom _is_ happy, that much I'm sure. It didn't work out between her and the Gentleman, but she had you instead. There is no one way to be happy. Alone, together, with friends or lovers or family..." he stops and then takes a moment to collect his thoughts before continuing. "And no one is in a good mood all the time. Not even you."

Jester turns to look at him with wide navy eyes, a sheen of tears over them. She stops suddenly in her path and wraps her arms around him in a hug. Caduceus hugs her back hesitantly and they stay there for a moment until they have to continue moving in order to stay with the rest of the group. "Thanks, Cads," she says. He nods with a slight smile, and resumes his search of the jungle to see if he can catch anything amiss, but soon enough he becomes distracted again.

His eyes follow Nott as she drops from her scouting position with Jamedi all the way to Caduceus's place in line. She is looking lively enough, although there seems to be some sort of message she is trying to communicate with him if the indecipherable hand gestures she's making are any indication.

"Caduceus!" Nott hisses. He feels bad that he can't crouch down to her level as he usually does when talking to her, so in place of that he picks her up and carries her on his back. He wavers a little under the weight- not exactly the definition of strong like Jester and Yasha, who have pulled off a grate forty feet underwater- but Nott wraps her arms around his neck to secure herself. This way she can also whisper directly into his ear without any eavesdroppers.

He is not annoyed with her as much as he should be for immediately going and giving away his information. It's hard to stay mad at any of the Mighty Nein- maybe it's how he thinks about the world or perhaps the Mighty Nein are just so oblivious sometimes he can't take any of their mistakes personally- and it was possibly his fault for saying anything to Caleb in the first place. It just didn't seem right to leave him out. Why, he isn't sure, and doesn't really want to think about very hard. It was because Caleb seems to be sharing the leadership of the Nein, however quietly he does it. Not because Caduceus can't seem to get his mind off of Caleb since a day or two ago when he almost let the situation catch up to him and Caleb pushed it away.

He should have known Caleb would tell Nott, however. All the party's comments about how he figures people out and he didn't even consider that. He will keep it in mind when he tells things to either of them from now on, however.

Nott's breath is startlingly loud in his ear and he flicks it in surprise, causing it to brush Nott's cheek. She laughs quietly in her rasping voice. "Remember what I said, Mr. Clay?" she whispers as they continue to move through the jungle as quietly as possible, though Caduceus keeps on stepping on twigs that he swears were not there a second ago. Fjord has moved to fill Nott's role as scout, and Captain Avantika seems to be wandering in his direction although she appears to be doing it subtly, as none of his companions have started giving her suspicious looks. Not even Jester, who has recovered easily. She's busy trying to spot- presumably- monkeys in the canopy above. It seems she's been mostly unsuccessful, although still smiling, and as he watches Beau approaches and tries to join in. Her attention keeps drifting and her pupils are larger than they should be.

This is all a distraction. Caduceus wracks his brain trying to think of what the last real words he and Nott exchanged were. Probably on the Mistake. It's been too hectic for them to have any other conversations. Then... one of the nights across the wide wide ocean. He and Nott took watch and it was a quiet affair mostly, except...

He asked Nott why she was buttering him up. And then she said something about the new chapter of life that she is living. And he promised... oh. "Yeah," he replies. Nott leans forward, almost tipping over in an effort to catch his faint words. "Are you asking me if our deal is still on?"

She nods, a flash of green and gold in his peripherals. "Caleb needs help," she says. He wonders if she's strictly talking about his status a glass cannon in battle. "You heal. We're all there for each other. Right?"

"Mm," says Caduceus in what is supposed to be in agreement but comes out as more of an in-concise mumble. Thankfully Nott understands well enough and smiles, satisfied, jagged teeth shining in the sunlight filtering in through the gaps in the leaves. Caduceus carries her for a moment more before he kneels down and the goblin girl hops off easily, darting past the rest of them to journey ahead and it seems to go pester Jamedi as she has been doing since she learned of his undead status. If she keeps going at this rate, he'll figure out something is amiss sooner or later, but at this point Caduceus can't really find it in himself to care. Whatever happens happens.

Caleb, who has fallen back slightly to walk in front of him and looks a lot smaller without his bulky stained coat, scarf, and extra wrappings around his arms, stops abruptly and looks to his right with eyes that are clear blue despite the dark shadows ingrained underneath them. "Hold on," he says in his quiet voice. Caduceus can't help but think that if he ever meets another person with a Zemnian accent he will be as enraptured by them as he is with Caleb. Because he is, at least a little bit. He doesn't know hardly anything about Caleb, but he wants to, no matter what unfortunate path lies behind him as Caduceus knows it does.

"I believe I saw something over there," Caleb says, loud enough to catch the attention of the other Nein, as he narrows his eyes curiously off to the side. "Should I check it out?"

Caduceus exchanges a quick glance with Nott, who he turns to find looking at him intently, and then says, "I'll come with you. We'll call if something happens." He does not want to make the same mistake twice. Maybe he is, though. But it's not like he can just let Caleb go on his own. And he couldn't just stop him. Caleb does what he wants.

Caleb's clear grey-blue eyes slide over to him, studying him intently for a moment and causing an uneasy feeling to settle in Caduceus's chest. Perhaps it's uneasy. He isn't quite sure. He _does_ know that makes his heart beat uncomfortably, and for that reason alone he qualifies it as something he doesn't want.

" _Ja_ , okay," Caleb says after a long pause, and then leads the way into the dense foliage of the jungle. It's green as far as Caduceus can see, with only the tiniest spots of bright flowers and then Caleb who is brown and grey and orange and much more soothing to the eye than all these vivid tones. Sunlight filters through in small patches, illuminating the ground below in a beam of light, but even though there isn't much that can pierce the canopy it also works the other way and heat is trapped under the leaves, heating up the air and turning it into an almost sentient hot and humid mass.

A few moments pass in which Caduceus stays quiet, not even daring to breathe deeply. Caleb is looking about, searching for his mystery prize - although it's possible it is only a ruse because as he pushes away two tangled branches he begins to speak while he looks forward. "What were you and Nott talking about, Caduceus?" he says. His voice holds intent but his posture portrays a relaxed man. Caduceus knows better than to trust it.

He hums, stepping with Caleb as he delves deeper into the jungle. His staff is at the ready in case there are more of the lizard people or those abominations of the natural order that were the snake-cats. "Why do you want to know?" he returns, unwilling to let down his defenses just yet. He needs at least a few seconds to figure out whether Nott would really care if he shared their agreement.

Caleb is about to open his mouth to reply, but they step into a small clearing. In the middle of the root-twisted floor is the body of a snake-cat, ridges along its spine, forked tongue skewn to the side. There is a hole in its almost black (and scaled in places) coat, allowing its pale ribs and red grey insides to be exposed to the jungle air. Caleb takes a step back, face pale, but Caduceus goes forwards instead. As he kneels down next to the body- only a twinge of fear arises- a swarm of flies resting on its inside departs, not willing to fight with him. He doesn't even have to say anything.

After a few moments of careful examination, he determines that the snake-cat was probably killed by one of the bigger predators in the jungle, the hole quite possibly a bite or maybe the digging of claws. Why perfectly good food was just left here, however, remains a mystery until he leans to peer inside and sees. No wonder nothing wants to eat it. The walls of its rib cage are covered with eyes that do not blink or move but feel like real eyes when he touches them. They are amber and shining, just like the eye in Fjord's sword, although a closer scan reveals that there one or two that are more the sheen of obsidian or ivory instead. It doesn't seem very important so he doesn't mention it as he leans back and sets a hand on its coarse fur, channeling the magic of the Wildmother from the earth beneath him to cause mushrooms and fungus to crawl onto the snake-cat and settle there. He sniffs one and grimaces - no good. All the animals on this island are too twisted to make proper tea.

He turns back away to push himself up and comes face-to-face with Caleb, who is still eyeing the snake-cat warily but is now crouched down, not on his knees and so almost as tall as Caduceus. As the firbolg's head turns his attention shifts to him, blue eyes unnervingly determined.

"Nott is my friend, and she is yours too," he says. Caduceus can see each of his dark ginger eyelashes as they flutter and he has to flick his ears to get himself to focus. "I only want to know for her safety."

Caleb looks earnest, but Caduceus is inclined not to believe him, and in any case that's a weak argument. Caleb just wants to know for curiosity's sake, which is something that is sometimes endearing and sometimes irritating. "If you want to know, ask Nott," says Caduceus with a note of finality, his ears pressed down as if they can protect him in the case that Caleb tries to argue. Sure, Caduceus knows how to use words efficiently, but generally it's easier to say nothing at all, and he doesn't like to argue with anyone, especially if he likes them. Although it is nice to talk to people instead of plants as he did in the seasons he was alone in the graveyard.

Caleb narrows his eyes and opens his mouth slightly as if he's going to retort, but he only exhales and gives Caduceus an annoyed glance. Caduceus checks the progress of the decomposition of the corpse (suitably fast) and makes to get up, but Caleb, who was previously lost in thought with a slight glaze over his eyes, places one hand on his shoulder and he automatically stills at the familiar sensation.

Just like last time, Caleb pulls him forward and kisses him, but it's not so hesitant as before. After a moment Caleb pulls away, though not far, and Caduceus opens his eyes to see blue ones scrutinizing him. As well as Caduceus can read others, he doesn't like others reading him, so he stands up instead and starts making his way back towards where they came, not having the courage to look back, even though he isn't quite sure he's going the right direction.

Caleb jogs to catch up to him and points out the right path, though he doesn't pull Caduceus along. For that he's glad, at least. Now if only he could make sense of the wizard.

Caleb and Nott. He thought he had them all figured out, but obviously, he was wrong. He seems to be wrong about a lot of things.


End file.
